I Wasn’t at All Sure

Between my husband’s bunion surgery and a host of other family responsibilities, I didn’t make it to my writers’ group meeting this month. For each meeting, we write a few hundred words from a given prompt. This month’s was “I wasn’t at all sure.” Since I didn’t get to share what I wrote with the group, I thought I’d share it with you.

I wasn’t at all sure I should marry him.

Did he really love me? That was my first question. He says he fell in love with me, long before he knew my name. The day he saw me at that wedding, when I was standing with some other girls. He looked at me and felt an earthquake. That’s when he was sure.

But how could he love me if he didn’t know me? Then he started coming to my house. Every night, with flowers. We’d talk for hours. Sure, he was interesting, unique, and had a way of teasing me that drove me crazy and kept me wanting more.

My parents said it was my decision. Yes, they wished I was a little older, and that we had known each other a little longer. But they said if they told me yes, and I was unhappy, I’d blame them. And it they told me no, and it broke my heart, I’d blame them. If I was old enough to get married, I was old enough to make up my own mind.

How do you know if you love someone? Is it the feeling you get when you see his handwriting, scribbled on a torn piece of paper? Or when you hear his voice, especially when you’re not expecting it? Or because no matter how irritated you get with him, there’s still a part of you that still wants to be near him?

But he isn’t what I had in mind. He’s too tall for me, my head barely comes to his shoulder. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life teetering on shoes that twist my feet out of shape. I always thought I’d marry a high-energy kind of guy, someone who’d challenge me to do more and be more, not a laid-back fellow who cheers me on gently. I wanted a man with green eyes and an outgoing personality.

No one like that loved me. Instead I got Jack. A man who tries to understand me, who encourages me in all my ideas, crazy or otherwise. He’s kind and dependable and has a host of qualities that everyone says make for a good husband.

They keep telling me I need to be sure. But I’m not. I still have doubts. Do I love him enough? Will what I feel for him last? How does anyone make a decision like this?

My wedding starts in five minutes.

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